Men of Redemption

Restoring a Life of Purity – One Day at a Time

Posts Tagged ‘accountability’

Regaining Trust In Marriage While in Recovery

Posted by Men of Redemption on January 9, 2018

INVITING ANOTHER BROTHER TO WALK ALONG SIDE YOU IN Image result for accountability with menRECOVERY WILL HELP REGAIN TRUST IN YOUR MARRIAGE

Those of us who remember some time ago when the song “It Takes Two” by Marvin Gaye and Kim Weston was a great hit for the both of them back in the late 60’s. The lyrics and rhythm were born to be a hit in popular music back then. Looking at the title of that song and its correlation to recovery it could sound a bit deceiving. Actually the song is basically talking about how a man and woman are made for one another with what they bring to each other, and how it can be so beautiful when we come together. From a recovery perspective, it’s going to take a little more than just two to make things right and place trust back in a marriage. Seeing that it took trusting more than two people to violate that trust in a marriage, presumably it’s going to take more than two to restore and regain it.

I’ve share in this series previously about various ways those of us who are in recovery are trying to regain trust with our spouses. Another way of doing so, along with all the rest of the suggestions, is to invite another brother in our recovery to walk alongside us, to participate in our journey. By doing so, this will inevitably give your spouse some clarity and understanding that you’re not trying to do your recovery alone because they’ve  seen what we’re capable of doing  by ourselves without any accountability. Having another brother, and let me say a trusted, overcoming and determined brother who is just a little step further into his recovery than we are, will give us the encouragement, the focus and the understanding about defeating isolation in our lives and thinking we can do it by ourselves. Making time to share with him those vulnerable moments of pain, frustration, hurt, those thoughts of reverting back into our past behaviors even if it’s just for a moment, he will be there to discourage that, to help keep us on an even keel so that we can stay on the road of righteousness. He will be there to pray with and for us so that we might continue to trust God for what He is doing in us and through us. If any of us have been in our recoveries for any length of time we’ve all have been down that road of loneliness, having the feeling of hopelessness with no one there or around that we can share our struggles with, to lean on when it seems all hope is running out the back door. Image result for accountability with men

As we secure that accountability with another brother, by sharing, mentoring, by connecting on all levels of communication, it will indeed allow our spouses to see our intentions, our purpose as well as our progressions out of passivity, out of isolation and moving towards honesty and transparency. These are movements of faith and purpose that our spouses are looking for in us and in our recovery. If we need an example of true accountability and what this looks like we can go to 1 Samuel 19 in the Old Testament of God’s Word. Jonathan, King Saul’s son was that kind of brother to David, helping in every way he could even when his father was trying to kill David. He was there for David; he was a listening ear when David needed one; he helped David avoid the struggles of ambush and defeat that strengthen David not only in his faith but also a trust he had in Jonathan.

So as you continue in your recovery, if you don’t have another brother in your life who you are sharing your journey with, take some time and consider looking at a brother that you admire, that you’ve noticed has consistent victory in his life and is overcoming daily. That brother can and will be a valuable part of a confident relationship that could propel you into regaining trust in your marriage, not sometime soon but in the very foreseeable future my friend!

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Regaining Trust While in Recovery

Posted by Men of Redemption on November 27, 2017

REGAINING TRUST INCLUDES ACCOUNTABILITY  Image result for accountability partner

“Make Accountability Your Best Friend”       

As we continue in our recovery by seeking out a good support group, we should be looking for a good accountability cord to assist us in being accountable to other men. This can be downright scary for some men because many of us have never had to be accountable to others let alone to other men. This type of “fear” will start to set in with most guys, I know it did with me, until I discovered what being accountable truly meant. It’s not about just telling other men about what you’re doing. It also includes allowing like-minded men who want the same things in recovery as we do to be a part in sharing in our actions, decisions, choices, and being challenged as to how and why we came to those conclusions. My favorite accountability scripture comes to mind . . . .

As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend. – Psalm 27:17

As we begin to include other men into our lives and daily activities. It begins to free us from the isolation of being alone, having to do everything on our on without counsel or guidance. That’s probably what lead most of us to making the poor choices many of us have made in our lives, resulting in consequences we’re probably still paying for. Having some “godly men” in our lives bring assurance, confidence in being open and honest about what we’re doing with no more secrets or hidden agendas. Our wives will be rested assured in knowing that we have other men that we’re accountable to, to challenge us in those areas of weakness that she knows about that we’ve been in denial for so long. Having true accountability gives our wives something to “see” without us having to try to convince her that we’re doing the right thing. It’s not about convincing our wives-it’s about being genuine, being real with our thoughts, intentions and receiving guidance and instruction from others who will help us become better Men of God.

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RECOVERY QUOTE OF THE DAY!

Posted by Men of Redemption on June 14, 2017

IN YOUR RECOVERY, ACCOUNTABILITY OUGHT TO BE PRIORITY ONE AS YOU PROGRESS THROUGH YOUR JOURNEY. KNOWING YOUR BROTHERS HAVE YOUR BACK AND YOU GOT THEIRS. ENOUGH SAID.

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WHAT’S YOUR QUESTION ON RECOVERY?

Posted by Men of Redemption on June 13, 2017

MY QUESTION IS . . . .

“I’m struggling with accountability. I know accountability is crucial to the entire process but I just can’t seem to get into the habit of calling the guys in my group when I never really called guys before. It’s always been women I’ve called. How do I get pass this?”

Understanding and relational development is the key to accountability. If you belong to a group that has strong accountability practices, and they follow through in those practices consistently, you will begin to understand why there is a need to have other men in your life with purpose. While most men were in their “mess” – (this is what we called their addictive behaviors) those of us who acted out with women, they were our initial and immediate contacts. So whenever we got the desire we’d always call women. Now that you’re in recovery, and you have made a conscious decision to allow God to change and transform your mind and heart, God will also strengthen you to understand that we need Men of God in our lives to help us, to strengthen us and to mentor us as we move forward in our recovery. We have to eradicate the desire to “run” to women when we want to act out-instead, we need to persevere and run to our brothers, Men of God, who are there for our support and guidance to help us, to prevent us from falling again to the prey of women.

“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”  –  Proverbs 27:17

When we begin to understand why Godly men are important to our recoveries, and God has impressed upon your heart that having that relationship with them is paramount, then you’ll see their importance in and for your life. Reaching out to other men will gradually erase, and eventually eradicate your desire to contact women for pleasure altogether because you’re going to develop purpose with these Men of God, and this is called relationship. Most men in recovery never had a brother or brothers that they could talk to or bond with on a personal level. Yeah, you have guys who you talk sports, politics and women about. But where are the men when you’re hurting or have been hurt; when you need to confide in someone over a heart issue, or when you want to talk to a brother about your struggles with addictive behaviors? Where are those guys when you really need them? Accountability helps you to develop relationship exactly for this purpose. You can get pass this by opening yourself up totally to accountability, developing relationship with Men of God who will encourage you, who will pray with and for you through your struggles and walk alongside you in your journey. That’s how you can get pass your struggle my friend.

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WHAT’S YOUR QUESTION TODAY?

Posted by Men of Redemption on June 2, 2017

MY QUESTION IS . . . .

“How do I know if I’m in the right recovery group? I’ve been to a couple different groups and it seems like they are all the same. How do I know if the one I’m going to now is the one that’s really for me?

To find out if the group that you belong to is the best for you, look for three things that will assure you that you’re in the right place: Curriculum, Group Dynamics, and Accountability.

Curriculum –

What kind of curriculum are they using for the group? There are a lot of groups out there that use various books, studies, certain programs that are geared to support group setting. But I find that having a curriculum that is designed to help you identify and understand the root causes of your issues will work best. Some curriculums work with you and take you back into your past life to help identify the introduction to addictive behaviors, trauma issues, pains, and other issues that we have allowed to infiltrate our lives and lead to destructive behaviors. See if the curriculum addresses those issues, give examples, and then show you what and how you can begin to put things in place so that you can get healing from them and move forward in your life.

Group Dynamics –

Look to see if your group has consistent protocol and high levels of confidentiality. This is very important in selecting a good group for your needs and understanding. When looking at Group Dynamics, see if the group starts on time; does the Facilitator/Director have a vision, a mission statement for the group; does the group have purpose and direction; and with the curriculum it has and uses what is it that they are preparing me for as my healing progresses when I complete the curriculum. These things play a major factor in you understanding who you are in Christ, your purpose in this life, and what is God preparing you to do when it’s time for you to leave the group.

Accountability –

This is the one thing you should be looking for first and foremost. Without Accountability, there is no success in any support group without it! Besides the curriculum and the group dynamics, you need to know and see how accountability looks and works amongst the group itself in order in order to know they have it and it’s working successfully. Is there phone calls required? Do the guys have opportunity to engage in meeting outside the group if they choose to? Can you contact someone, a group leader anytime of the day or night should you need to due to an emergency or in case you relapse? And what type of relapse prevention criteria do they have to help you stay accountable and on course? All these questions need to be answered and considered if you are serious about your recovery and moving forward in life.

So if you are unsure about the support you belong to, ask yourself these questions and see if the your present group is giving you what you’re looking for in a group. If any of these are not present, maybe it’s time you consider looking for a group that’s addressing these concerns, with consistency I might add. These three areas are so important to your recovery that attending any group without them is surely to delay, even interrupt all progress made in a person’s recovery without fail. Looking at the very first support group [Jesus and His Disciples]; they knew their Curriculum(The Living Word), Group Dynamics(Follow Him, Pray, Transparency), Accountability(Being together, talking to one another about everything), this is what you should be looking for in a support group.

 

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WHAT’S YOUR QUESTION TODAY?

Posted by Men of Redemption on May 31, 2017

MY QUESTION IS . . . .

“I’ve been going to my support group consistently for the last eight to nine months and have seen tremendous progress in my recovery. But my wife says she doesn’t think I’m doing enough. She says she doesn’t see me doing certain things but I am doing everything I’m suppose to. How can I convince her that I’m doing the right things?

It’s not about convincing your wife that you’re doing everything you’re suppose to; It’s about trusting God that He will enable you to do everything He desires you to do and then your wife will be convinced. So many men get crossed up in their recovery efforts thing that if they’re doing everything and their wives see them doing it that’s going to be okay. That’s clearly a sign that you are doomed to fail in all of your efforts. We men in recovery don’t do our recovery to appease our wives, to make them happy. We do recovery because we want healing, we want to walk in freedom, and we want God’s grace and mercy to overwhelm us by His power and might. That means it’s nothing that you or I can do but what God is and will do through His Holy Spirit to bring change and transformation into our lives. Yes, your wife is watching you and every move you make. But don’t feel like you’re being interrogated or put on trial(although that how many men feel). Don’t allow your focus or your reaction to your wife dictate your recovery efforts. Trust God, trust the curriculum and all the efforts of your support group to lead you and guide as move forward in your journey. When we stop and see what others think or get their opinions, it prohibits our focus, our intentionality of perseverance, we tend to stop and inadvertently delay all of our efforts by wondering, contemplating if what we’re doing is right. These are tricks of the enemy attempting to distract us, to demobilize us from staying on course. And he will use the very ones dearest to us to convince us of this to make it seem legitimate. That’s why accountability is so important in our journey. We need to reach out to our accountability cord and talk to our brothers about this very thing and other things when we feel trapped or tied up in our recovery. You’re not being disrespectful to your wife. Her expectations are always going to be wanting more from you until she sees God get a hold of you and when He does . . . . then she will be convinced that what you are doing is enough! But it doesn’t stop there! Once God get a hold of you, you’ll need to all God to strengthen you to remain consistent in all your recovery efforts every day, not just on days where your wife sees you or pays attention to you. She’s watching you everyday, but so is God. Concern yourself about convincing God, then your wife will be convinced by God and know that you are doing enough.

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WHAT’S YOUR QUESTION?

Posted by Men of Redemption on May 25, 2017

MY QUESTION IS . . . .

“I’ve been in recovery now for about a year now, and I believe I’m moving forward with my life with the changes that I have made. The support group I belong to has some requirements that include the guys in our group calling each other once or twice a week, sometimes more. There are five guys in my group so that’s anywhere from 5-10 calls a week from them. Are all these calls really necessary?

The purpose for the calls are connected to what most support groups call Accountability. Accountability is very important in recovery, especially when the man or woman has self-esteem issues, isolation concerns, or has trouble connecting with others. Every opportunity a group has to stay connected with a brother assures him that his group cares about him in every area of his life besides when they meet during group sessions. As a matter of fact, especially when he is away from the group, those six days until the next time they meet again is crucial because he is mostly doing life by himself, with no accountability, no one to encourage or help him or her make critical decisions about important matters. He or she is literally alone with no one to refer to. Now this doesn’t mean that they are incapable of making their own decisions by no means! Some brothers and sisters just need that support, that call that comes unexpected when they need it; that call when they’re facing a challenging situation and they’re about to do something they’ll probably regret; that call when they face a situation involving temptation or compromise of their faith and they want or need some back up or guidance. There are dozens of reason why calling a brother or sister is critical for every person in their support group. Depending on the brother or sister, some people require more calls than others because their issues require extensive accountability efforts from struggles, self-esteem issues, self-control, etc.. I know some guys who require a call at least once a day due to him having a lack of self-control when it comes to certain instances. If the support group is meeting their members right where they are, these accountability calls can and will be as affective as if they were standing right next to the individual. So don’t be alarmed or hesitant about calls being required by one another. It can only help you in a lot of situations you may lose sight of. Also, it’s another excellent way of developing relationship with your group members, getting to know one another on a personal level. It will make your group that much stronger when you’re battling the struggles of life when you need someone to stand with you in the fight.

Do you have a question about Recovery? Email it to us @: menofredemption040709@hotmail.com. Only questions will be printed on blog.

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Recovery Tip For This Week

Posted by Men of Redemption on October 24, 2016

Road_RecoveryThis Week’s Tip . . . .

 

 

Work Out During the Week. 

All work and no play make a man or woman in recovery boring and unsociable. We’ve spent countless hours organizing our structure, attempting to stay on task, and I know we get pretty tired and bored when there’s nothing else involved physically. So having a good balance of exercise and physical maintenance for our bodies are a sure thing to help us keep fit and focused mentally on our recoveries. No, we don’t have to have a strong regiment for exercising, just something to maintain good physical health habits like walking or jogging, riding a bike or on the treadmill. Exercise is vitally important to our recovery as it will assist us in thinking more clearly, increase our focus and awareness more purposefully, as well as help our chemical makeup with smoother blood flow. With consistent workouts, our eating habits will eventually change as well. But let’s remember working out is just another tool in our recovery to use help build us physically and mentally, not to boost our egos or show off to others about what we’re doing. Sometimes people will notice a difference in our appearance after working out and compliment us, then we allow it to get into our heads and we become affected mentally for the wrong reasons.  This is where having a workout partner will help in this effort. He will help keep our focus on the purpose and task at hand. So add something to your recovery to help keep it fresh and don’t allow boredom and stagnation to become a part of what you’re doing in recovery. Have fun and get that workout in!

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Recovery Tip For This Week

Posted by Men of Redemption on February 8, 2016

Road_Recovery

Recovery Tip For This Week:

 

INVOLVE ACCOUNTABILITY. My brother

For those of us who are in recovery, get more involved in accessing accountability in your recovery efforts. As you already realize, doing recovery alone is a no-win situation, at which we will fail every time. Having accountability will keep us focused, keep us determined and keep us honest in  our efforts, intentions and perspectives. Having another brother to connect with, to build relationship with will strengthen us to move forward in all that we do. His companionship, his communication, and his gut-checking, in-your-face involvement in your recovery and life is key to transparency and total interaction. He’ll be there for you just like you’ll be there for him. We’re doing this thing called recovery “together” with God leading us and strengthening us together along the journey.

 

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A Writer’s Thoughts . . . .

Posted by Men of Redemption on October 13, 2015

Writer's thoughtsOn Accountability . . . .                                                            

One of my favorite words. I learned about accountability several years ago when I discovered I needed it in my life. I find that accountability is more than just letting people in your life and answering to them on a frequent basis. It’s more than telling people where you’re at and where you’re going. It’s more than making yourself vulnerable to others and including them in your personal and intimate life. It’s more than being transparent and honest about my daily business, whether I’m at work, at church, visiting family and friends, or even at home. I’ve discovered that accountability is all that I just mentioned and more. One of my favorite scriptures in God’s Word speaks on accountability to the tee.

“As iron sharpens iron, So a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.”  –  PROVERBS  27:17

Yes, accountability does put you in a position where people see you for who you really are, how you really think and feel, and how you handle life and everything that comes with it. WOW!! How many of you can attest to that kind of vulnerability? Not of lot of us, and that’s probably why so many of us lead double lives, some people seeing you one way and others seeing in another. Typical example is how people see you at home in the daily tasks of family living and then see you at church involved in ministry. Are you the same person with the same values at home as you show at church when ministering or sharing? Something to think about while you’re deciding about making yourself vulnerable and transparent because that’s what it’s going to take to be accountable. And to whom will you be accountable to? Here’s my list: my Pastor, my Spiritual Overseer, my Mentor, our support group leadership team, several spirit-filled men in my church. In all, approximately 20-25 men who I’m accountable to keep me honest, true, and encouragement in my decision-making and business associations. I need this in my life because without it, I’m prone to make mistakes and bad choices leaning to my own understanding which God teaches us about in His Word (Prov. 3:5). I don’t know if you have accountability in your life to help you become more than what you desire to be but it sure does make a difference in my life when I need someone else’s wisdom and knowledge when I can’t rely on myself. Just a writer’s thoughts, I’m just saying . . . .

 

 

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